Hi there, here's an update. I have barely been blogging, cuz let's face it, I am lazy. And plus my life hardly feels like a life worth documenting, frankly. Although I am certain when I grow older I'd deeply regret thinking that way. I always feel I should keep more journals and take more photos so that I can one day look back and see how far I have come. It's always good to look your progress. You look at your past and then you look to your future and decide where you are headed.
I have been going back to church, thank God, and finally. It was early into my 18th year when I stopped going to church. I attribute that straying to a typical erikson identity crisis. According to what I remember of Erikson's definition of an identity crisis is that a person right in the prime of his adolescence would go through this, and that is a testing of alternative belief systems. Sometimes that person would go to far away places to find his identity. My overly romantic brain would immediately assume that that man would search everywhere for his identity only to find it right at his home. Christians would define it as temptation and sinning, as to turn away from God was sin.
Alternative belief systems. Okay this may be abstract because I may have randomly coined my own definition. Let me explain, what I mean is a person would try values that differ from his own. In my case it means that I would try things that are maybe as far from my preexisting values as possible. For me, that means living a godless life without any rules. That meant doing things for my own recognition and glory, and relying on what resources I have.
This contradicts what I have been taught to believe as a christian. I was not suppose to rely on myself, I was supposed to rely on God. That made me feel like a incompetent person, and I never believed God meant for us to be like that. I was supposed to obey the rules so that I remain righteous. That meant no stupid one month relationships, no drunkenness, and no swearing no wearing whatever you'd like to wear. No fun basically.
I have been (trying to) attend church regularly for the last 2 months, and I must say these 2 months changed my perspective of what I believed for 2 years. In fact, Christianity is not about the rules.
"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. - 1 Corinthians 10:23
This is a famous verse, everyone has heard of it am I right? For years, I was aware of this verse but I had little clue what it signified.
All things permissable. (you can do all things, you have the permission)
But not all things edify (Not everything is good for you, I mean like duh, lol)
This means the reason for not doing anything 'unrighteous' is not trying not to be bad, (morality and whatnot). It's about trying to be good, and it's about edification or becoming better. i.e. trying to let good things follow you.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalms 23:6
But doing bad things = becoming a bad person right?
No fortunately not in christianity. Yes, this also means that this is perhaps not a very just religion. Why? When we do bad things (sin), we are still considered righteous. Because Jesus Christ has atoned for our sins, we are all righteous thanks to the cleansing properties of his shed blood. There is no more condemnation in Christ. No more shame or guilt. You only need to repent, and you're free.
So when you do something wrong, and you feel pangs of guilt, just remember, Jesus died and made you righteous. All you need to do is repent, you don't even need to feel bad. Oh but you do feel bad don't you? Somebody has atoned your wrongdoings for you already. There must be something you can do.
Me: Gee Thanks Jesus.
Jesus: Hey no problem. I rose from the dead at the end. But hey you owe me k?
Me: Crap, omg, what do I owe you? First born child? My life?
Jesus: Don't worry, you owe me to let others know, and let others get this opportunity to be no longer condemned, but free.
(I realised I have strayed from my topic. What I meant to tell you guys is, I rly hated following the rules. I hated feeling so restricted. I thought christians to be free. I just was wasn't clear what I was free of. It's easy to be free rules (you can just break them, lol), but to be free of shame, condemnation and sin is something not humanly possible. Only God can liberate you from that. And to be liberated from something like this makes you free to become who you are meant to be. You are no longer bogged down by your past, gripped by your vices, haunted by your demons and ashamed of the skeletons in your closet. You can start anew, clean slate, like a fresh soul, a 2nd chance)
(and also obeying God is not about avoiding badness, but pursuing goodness (refer to above psalm kthx))
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